The Secret Keeper, who is apparently in a more stable phase of bi-polar 1 disorder, texted me to ask if he could wash the windows at our house. He seems to be trying to start a business and he wondered if he could get some experience by doing mine. He mentioned that he would give me a 50% discount.
I know I should be glad that he is trying to keep busy and support himself in any way possible. I'm not feeling that. There is a twisting in my stomach, a lump in my throat and spinning thoughts. Is that how guilt presents itself in physical form?
I want this broken man to do well...for my children, for himself.....and, maybe, for me, so that I don't feel so bad. How selfish of me!!! God, I am a selfish person.
We had a life together. We had 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a big beautiful home, 5 freakin cars, a silhouette of quail that returned yearly, two above average income jobs, a church and anything else you can think of that constitutes the strappings of a high-middle income family. That life is gone. What replaced it for me was a Boy Scout, growth, gratefulness, deepening and healthier relationships with my kids, a tiny little house that does not own my heart and a relationship with the God of my understanding. What replaced it for him was a spiral down of using, loneliness, lack of connection, behaviors counter productive to good health, meth, a bed in a sober living house and relationship behaviors typical of an addict. He loves his kids and they love him but.......he is no longer the dad they knew. Connection is hard to achieve and it seems to hurt when he is able, like a reminder of what once was.
Today I feel bad but it's not just about me.
Does anyone need their windows washed?
I know I should be glad that he is trying to keep busy and support himself in any way possible. I'm not feeling that. There is a twisting in my stomach, a lump in my throat and spinning thoughts. Is that how guilt presents itself in physical form?
I want this broken man to do well...for my children, for himself.....and, maybe, for me, so that I don't feel so bad. How selfish of me!!! God, I am a selfish person.
We had a life together. We had 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a big beautiful home, 5 freakin cars, a silhouette of quail that returned yearly, two above average income jobs, a church and anything else you can think of that constitutes the strappings of a high-middle income family. That life is gone. What replaced it for me was a Boy Scout, growth, gratefulness, deepening and healthier relationships with my kids, a tiny little house that does not own my heart and a relationship with the God of my understanding. What replaced it for him was a spiral down of using, loneliness, lack of connection, behaviors counter productive to good health, meth, a bed in a sober living house and relationship behaviors typical of an addict. He loves his kids and they love him but.......he is no longer the dad they knew. Connection is hard to achieve and it seems to hurt when he is able, like a reminder of what once was.
Today I feel bad but it's not just about me.
Does anyone need their windows washed?
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