Genre Talk: Posters That Lie

*Removes a hook from her face* So I'm just hanging around here, on my Hell cruise, and while Pinhead was rearranging my face, I thought to myself, "You know, it would be nice if the horror movies we watch were as cool as some of the posters out there. Some posters are really bitchen! I go see the movie though, and it's complete crapola!"

These thoughts gave me an idea. So when the cenobites went on their coffee break I took the time to share my thoughts with you and post them here. I'm just that kind of person. 

Here is a list I complied of some of the posters I have ever been suckered by. Posters that lead me to believe in monsters, only to find the worst pieces of garbage ever liposuctioned out of film. I'm sure this wont effect the world any, and horror movies will continue to produce crap clothed in Armani posters, but it will make me feel better to rant about it. And to hopefully start some bitch fests with my favourite horror peeps, you readers. 

Let's start with this little shit nugget. Check out that sleek, sexy cover. The name even sounds great right? Skin Walkers. Sounds bad ass. And it should be bad ass. It's about werewolves. Werewolves are bad ass! But this movie falls flat. It's not nearly as impressive as this poster. It's a rambling mess of half baked werewolf lore. Which makes a Wolf-lover like me cry. One single, manly tear.

And here we have exhibit #2. The Happening had NOTHING happening. The poster looks great though doesn't it? Like some crazy Apocalypse shit going on. It even starts off kinda interesting, but then it gets stupid real fast. Once you find out what the big bad is, you loose all faith in the movie. Trust me.

Here we have The Unborn, which had so much potential but failed miserably. Look at this AWESOME poster though right? The movie is FULL of scenes that almost rock, but then the wooden acting, the lazy story telling just gets to you. And this has Gary Oldman! Even HE couldn't save this film.

This creepy looking kid has eyes that scream tortured soul. Don't you agree? Too bad Insidious is insidiously crappy. It starts off pretty cool too. Creepy haunted house stuff, very good pacing. Then it's like some other writer took the script and changed the whole story. Next thing you know, there's a stupid Darth Maul ghost-demon, and they have to battle it in the other world. Ugh. Ridiculous. But the poster is creepy and moody. 

Another masked killer, but he has a bitchen mask right? And his weapon looks nasty. Cromeskull is not a franchise of deep introspection, and the poster doesn't try to convince otherwise. But it does make the masked killer look really fucking cool. And in fact, he's lame. There is nothing interesting about him. He's a flat character, and this second installment doesn't give much in the way of reason or explanation. But hell, there is gore and lots of it. 

This is a remake of an Asian horror, and like most American remakes of Asian horror, they suck. HUGE BALLS. One Missed Call is yet again another watered down interpretation of something much more fucking scary through the eyes of those who made it originally. But damn, look at this poster? Creepy fucking shit.

And those are just a few of my choices. Damn the posters and their awesome advertising power! I'm a sucker for a good poster. What are some posters you've been suckered by? Let's share the misery, before Pinhead gets back and uses my head as a pinata.